


Now What?

by erobororo



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: But no consent issues, M/M, POV Multiple, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:43:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6574039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erobororo/pseuds/erobororo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki hadn’t thought this through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now What?

**Author's Note:**

> Reupload because I deleted my old account. It was based on an old tumblr AU someone wrote, so I'm well aware this would likely never happen in canon. People liked this so I reuploaded it anyway!

Kaneki gets ready for something he hasn’t been in a long time since meeting Hide: alone on a Friday night. He enjoys being by himself, he’s always got a book or five to keep him company, but on a Friday? College kids are supposed to be doing something. At least, that’s the atmosphere that permeates on campus, and he’d be lying if he said it doesn’t get to him from time to time, making him believe in things he’s never cared for. He goes through a mental list of solitary activities before giving up and settling on the usual sprawled-out-on-the-living-room-couch-reading-Takatsuki-Sen-with-a-side-of-homemade-hamburger special.

When he opens the fridge for the ingredients, he pauses for a moment on the cheap assortment of alcohol toward the back. Oh, that’s right—this guy he’s been trying (and failing) to be friends with brought it over as a “gift,” even though he insisted with a firm “but I don’t drink at all.” Still, he wonders what the taste is like and how well some…Asahi Dry? will go with hamburger. He’s seen his cousin drink some of the stuff, which always brought a nasty association, but in this nice, peaceful setting it’ll be different, he concludes, and grabs a tall can.

The burger is cooked to perfection, the cushions feel just right against his tired body, and the beer is…interesting. His flavor differentiation is normally so keen, but with something so foreign like this he can’t quite describe them. They’re not exactly good, yet not bad, either, they just…are. As disappointing as it is, he was raised to never waste food, could never afford to waste what little food was given to him, so he downs larger gulps just to say he did it and it’s done, only lamenting how large the thing is.

A clean plate, empty can, and thirty minutes into the novel he’s already restless, that pressuring itch to do do do something other than this prickling his skin. He doesn’t want to ask anyone to do anything, well, doesn’t really have anyone else to hang with, and Hide’s in class, so—

But maybe it won’t hurt for a few minutes…

He digs in his pocket for his cell phone and flicks it open, a smile creeping on his face from just seeing Hide’s name in crooked, black pixels. He doesn’t recall a time it’s never made him smile. Their conversations and interactions always manage to go off the radar, filling him with a sense of neverending joy no matter how trivial the topics. They could talk about paint peeling and Hide would somehow make it fun. He could use some of that right now. Right now would be a lot better with Hide. He misses Hide.

Wait…what?

He surprises himself with his own laughter, caught in his throat and louder than he intended, shaking the idea from his mind to focus on having a completely normal, casual, un-needy conversation with his best friend. That’s all.

 

【To】：　Hide　18:11  
【sub】：　bored...

＜　how's class?  
　＞　dunno, just got here ww

 

The phone buzzes and blinks with barely thirty seconds between the two messages, and it makes him more excited than it should, he thinks. It’s just Hide, it’s just Hide—

 

＜　Oh. True, haha.  
＜　Still can't believe you ever signed up for a night class. Who knew you were so diligent? Lol  
　＞　psssht it's an easy class. besides, theres this really cute girl Kiyoko who transferred in and I just HAD to stay (´∀｀)♡

 

Kaneki’s cheeks flush. Is that the alcohol kicking in or…? He knows he’s felt this before, but not quite. With his mother, and aunt, and anyone else who had ever placed interest and attention on things other than him and it’s not fair he deserves all of it so much more but he could never outright say it because that would just be selfish and cruel and shameful and—

 

　＞　joooooking (-、-)

 

Oh.

 

＜　Mhm. Yeah,  
　＞　what? you jealous or something? lolol 

 

Is he? Is that what this disgusting heat bubbling in the pit of his stomach and causing steam to rise to his head is all about, jealousy? Ridiculous. Then why…

 

＜　Nno... dummy.  
　＞　yeah yeah whatever tsun-kun. anyway, I dunno how long I'll be able to chat but, what's up?

 

Kaneki hadn’t thought this through. Influenced by the alcohol or not, he felt compelled to text Hide despite seeing each other for lunch barely five hours ago. There’s a persistent jab to his heart and brain like something needs to be said, like any minute it’ll push him off a fifty-meter high board into disaster. Most nights it’s been like this, his feet getting closer to the edge. The only difference with this night and the others is thick smog slowly suffocating him and every word he tries to bring to the forefront of his mind. And, well, alcohol, but that seems like an outlier in the grand scheme of things. Although, the alcohol is starting to make the board feel shorter and shorter.

He’s never drinking again.

 

＜　Um...nothing really., just want o talk.  
　＞　uhhhh ok

 

He feels strange. This is strange. He’s thinking things he’s never thought before, or rather, not with this kind of intensity. They’re all coming to him at once like an ambush and he has nothing to defend himself with.

 

＜　want to come over afterr class?  
　＞　ahh sorry man, I can't, I got plans

 

The few seconds pause in-between send and receive thrusts his heart into overtime and that godawful selfish feeling from before is back, if it even went anywhere in the first place. What kind of plans are these that could be better than seeing his best friend—of ten years, he may add? No, no, this isn’t like him, he’s got to pull it together. Why…

 

＜　It scool . tomorrow?  
　＞　hmmmmmaybe. got an exam. shit, or two, actually...

 

Why Hide?

 

＜　oo h, ok, haha. never seen you care about sschool so much  
　＞　ouch, man (´Д` )

 

Why Hide?

 

＜　you always make time fo r me  
　＞　you okay?

 

Why —Hide —?

 

＜　im fine

 

Why is Hide the one making him put up a front like this just to save himself from spewing one too many truths? He lied, completely lied, and Hide, being the obviously better friend than he is right now, most likely caught on. He’s better than this, he repeats over and over to keep out the unrelenting questions breaching his trainwreck of thought. He keeps looking at the screen with darting eyes unfixed on a single phrase, fingers scrolling from start to finish, cringing at just how terrible he looks.

 

＜　just thinking

 

This is bad.

 

＜　aabout you

 

He needs to stop.

 

＜　jsut want to see you

 

Why can’t—

 

＜　jus a littl,.  
＜　yuo have such a nice smile

 

He’s digging a hole for himself in one hand while closing the lid on it with the other and he can’t see where he’s going, all he feels is to keep moving. Second thoughts are no longer a possibility.

 

＜　it makes me s o happy.  
＜　yuou. ouy you do  
＜　you m ake me happier than any one., always

 

Oh no—

 

＜　ive, always  
＜　alwasy  
＜　i ccant, i cant i

 

Don’t—

＜　ii love yo u Hide

 

Hahahhhh fuck.

Re-read, after re-read, after re-read during the unbearable silence of no replies and he still can’t understand the electronic words in front of him. This is a dream, an awful, tasteless challenge of a dream clearly warning him not to drink that beer in the fridge, and he’ll wake up in his bed to an empty message box and better decision-making. But if the fruitless pinches to his arm are any indication, this is all as real as the dread surging throughout his body.

What now? What now, what now what now what now—

His phone blinks after too long. He grips it with intent eyes and nauseating hunger.

 

　＞　I'm coming over

 

This isn’t happening.

 

＜　im not hjome  
　＞　Be there in 15

 

This is not happening.

Kaneki groans against…the apartment door, not really sure how or why or when he walked over there, and brings his phone to his forehead. Maybe if he presses and thinks hard enough the messages will disappear from existence, or maybe he’ll wake up from a fever dream, or maybe he’ll go back in time to stop himself from even sending those texts out in the first pla—

Haha. Oooh boy.

He’s cursing his low tolerance for making him into this mess. No, before that—he’s cursing himself for even thinking having a bit to drink was a good idea. Is this what drunk feels like? He knows what drunk looks like, but determining it when you’ve never had alcohol before is proving more trouble than its worth.

He turns to face the door, rubbing his warm forehead to it with a grumble and placing an unsteady hand to the doorknob. Lock, unlock…lock…unlock… He can’t decide if he wants to be alone or get the chance to completely dissolve into Hide. An unlocked door in waiting would mean coming face-to-face with Hide in full force; locking the door would mean…no Hide. With his judgment not entirely intact, he can’t even mull over the pros and cons of each outcome, he just does what he feels and can’t explain why.

He retracts his hand from the door and retreats to his bedroom, messily throwing the covers over his chilled body with a sloppy click ON of the TV. He does his part, hoping that higher beings watching over him will take care of the rest. In his favor, he prays.

 

— — — —

 

 

Hide rushes out of the small building housing his only night class, ignoring everyone and everything in his path. Only one person stops him to talk about committee work, which somehow doesn’t take long, but he worries it’ll cut out a chunk in his ETA text promise. When he says he’s going to be somewhere in fifteen minutes, he’s going to be there in fifteen minutes, and this, above all, was no night to be late meeting Kaneki. He checks his phone only for the time, having already memorized that messy string of texts, and bets he can make it in ten if he goes for a brisk walk. A light jog. Okay, he’s going to have to run for a bit. Luckily they both live close to the university and he wonders if fate situated itself like that for moments such as this.

When he reaches the familiar door he checks his phone again—made it in twelve—and reaches for the handle, not bothering to even knock. It opens with ease and he’s only half-surprised, the other half already expecting something like this to happen (again). His heart jumps into his throat with a soft step forward.

“Kaneeekiiiiii,” he calls out to the dark apartment, no response to tear through the tension. He locks the door; he might be staying the night.

With the lights out, he’s positive there’s only one place Kaneki would crawl to. He rounds a corner into the kitchen, following the trail of muffled electric chatter from the bedroom. Its door is open just enough for amorphous light to pierce the kitchen area and he steps to it, knocking once though he doesn’t really know why, calls for Kaneki once though he doesn’t really know why, and proceeds with cautious steps that somehow make sense.

He stands in the center of the room to see what can only be Kaneki, metallic blue hues from the TV dancing across his blanketed lump of a figure against the wall. He’s facing away in bed, and Hide remarks to himself how much of a kid he seems, bets all his meager part-time earnings that he’s faking it.

“Kaneki.”

He notices a slight jump in the sheets. Yup. Definitely faking it. He sighs and casually glides over to the bed when there’s no further response.

He stands over Kaneki’s figure: body curled snug against the sheets, arms loosely cradling his phone, lips parted… Hide admires the sight before sitting at the bed’s edge. There’s another subtle jolt behind him, but still silence. He laughs to himself and exhales deeply. It’s not the scenario that ever played out in his daytime musings and sleepy ventures, but it’ll have to do.

“Y’know…” he starts with a lean, hands against the curve of Kaneki’s back, “there was this boy I knew, long time ago. Sat by himself, pretty much everywhere. Nose buried in a book, also pretty much everywhere.”

He chuckles hoping but not expecting Kaneki to stir, then continues. “I dunno what it was, but I always looked at him and thought, ‘I’m gonna be friends with that kid!’ Even though I thought a smart, book-nerd like that would never put up with me…I still went and did it, just plopped myself down at his table and said, ‘So, do you wanna become friends with me?’”

He poses extravagantly, extending his arms before scratching his cheek, mimicking a scene from his childhood.

"And guess what? He said yeah! I was so happy I must’ve let the whole room know, heh."

TV static fills the air as Hide shifts his back into Kaneki’s, legs dangling awkwardly over the bedside.

"Everything was great after that. Well, not one-hundred percent great, but, what is, right?"

He looks over his shoulder—still no reaction. He sighs again, but contentedly.

"We got older, obviously, and y’know things kinda…changed, but then again everything’s changing every day, so." He rubs his nose with a sniffle. "We grew so close you couldn’t tear us apart. Well, most days, anyway. And I dunno what it was, but I started looking at him and thinking…’I’m gonna fall in love with that guy’…"

Shaky laughter escapes his throat and he kicks up onto the bed, resting against Kaneki as closely as possible without upright toppling over him.

“Weird, right? Stupid, even. How would this sharp, kind, really cute, too…just, super-amazing guy ever fall in love with Nagachika Hideyoshi?” He twists his face and voice when muttering his own name, as if to spite himself. “—No. What was even stupider was that I never said anything. To be honest I always thought I’d be the first one to say it, if it ever miraculously came true, yet here I am, in second place, haha… But I don’t really mind. At all.”

Hide turns to face Kaneki in full now, heartbeat thundering in his ears, his throat, his stomach, his bones, he can’t escape the clamor. He takes one final breath before jumping right in.

"I love you, Kaneki Ken."

Without another second of possibility to change his mind, to give his brain a chance to pretend like none of this ever happened, he dips down to the comforter into Kaneki’s curled figure and wraps arms around him in one swift motion. Finally, finally, there’s a sign of life as a yelp rushes out from under the fabric and a certain black-haired bookworm snaps his head to give Hide a firm—albeit utterly abashed—look in the face.

"Hide!"

"A-ha so you were awake!”

“N-no you just…I was…it—”

“It’s okay, Kaneki, I could tell you weren’t sleeping waaaay before I even came in here. Weren’t you the star performer in grade school?”

Kaneki’s head turns back toward the wall with a weak grunt, opting to remain silent for a few moments before squirming a touch into Hide’s welcoming arms.

“So, what now?”

“Well, for starters, you let me under those covers with you.”

“Oh.”

Hide hoists himself up from the blankets cocooning Kaneki, who rolls over completely to lift the covers over his head in granted access. Hide wriggles into the sheets, hoping he’ll have more days to spend in it. He situates himself comfortably into the bed, hardly gets a good look at Kaneki before going for the one thing nagging in the back of his mind.

"Hi-"

Kaneki starts to say his name, but is cut off by his own eager lips, hands searching for the best spot on Kaneki’s face. Of course, he can’t decide because every spot is the best spot, so he settles for those warm rounded cheeks, rear fingers stroking the rows of fuzz on Kaneki’s neck. He takes in a sharp breath that fills his lungs to capacity when Kaneki snakes an arm around his waist and everything makes contact, as shaky as it is. His lips are so so so soft, and even with the trace of alcohol lingering on his breath it’s so delicious, how? How is it possible for Kaneki to feel and taste this good? And why hasn’t he done this sooner?

"Mmmde," Kaneki moans urgently, trying to part his mouth.

Hide hums disapprovingly before deepening the kiss, hips rocking forward when a set of teeth bite down on his lip. He yelps in feigned pain—god it felt anything but painful—and pulls away to look Kaneki square in the eye.

“What gives?”

"You wouldn’t let go."

"Yeah well you didn’t have to bite me." Yes. You did. And you should, more. Heat crawls back into his cheeks and he breaks contact, if only for a moment. “So uhm, what’s up?”

Kaneki fidgets, dropping his hand lower to tug at the back of Hide’s shirt. The quick scrunch in his nose and creases at his eyes makes Hide feel like he should know exactly what’s up.

“I wanted to talk more.”

Hide laughs through his nose and plants a kiss on Kaneki’s bangs. He was right. “Sure. Got all the time in the world for ya.”

Something in Kaneki’s eyes flicker, Hide notices, and he’s so curious to dive into it. But he waits—he’s gotten good at that—and traces every line on Kaneki with his eyes in the meantime. His hand rakes idly through black threads, the rise and fall of their chests accompanying each other just slightly out of sync. Feet brush against feet. Hm? Hands grasp tightly with a pull. Ah… There’s no chance of their breaths achieving rhythm now, as Kaneki’s comes to a halt with a choked back whine.

"Kaneki?"

It’s Hide’s turn to be cut off now, Kaneki pulling him into a vice-grip embrace and he fully understands how Kaneki must’ve felt earlier. But as soon as those soft, delicious, undeniably holy shit good lips meet his again it doesn’t matter. Studying for tomorrow’s exam, catching up on his favorite crime show, answering his noisy stomach’s plea with Big Girl like he originally intended—nope, none of anything is more important than this.

Hide smiles against Kaneki’s mouth and nearly giggles, overwhelmed by new and familiar feelings, utterly amazing feelings. He wraps a leg around Kaneki’s hips and uses it to pull them in closer—Kaneki reciprocates immediately, pushing his tongue against the subtle opening of Hide’s lips with a hunger he can’t ignore. He lets Kaneki in, their tongues, teeth, and lips in as much of a tangle as their restless limbs and exploring hands. Unusual, enticing, inviting sounds vibrate in their throats just barely drowning out the incessant pounding in Hide’s head. He can’t stop wondering what ever prevented him from doing this ages ago. The feelings were all there, so, what, did they need to fully ripen? Makes no sense. But he supposes it doesn’t matter in the end, when they’re having at each other so freely and vulnerably yet in control like this and ooh the way Kaneki nips at his bottom lip and drags along his tongue is enough to keep him solidified there forever. Yet all ridiculously good things come to an end, or at least a half-time break, as they finally, downright regrettably, pause to draw in much-needed breath.

"Mmmh wow, okay," Hide manages between a pant, "what happened to talking?"

Kaneki rubs his forehead against Hide’s shoulder, nestling comfortably by his jaw. “I changed my mind.”

Hide bursts out laughing, not really meaning to, but that’s what Kaneki does to him. “Did you now? You sure you didn’t just talk with your tongue instead?”

Kaneki chuffs. “I didn’t see you complaining.”

"Aaaahaha, ya got me.

"So…"

There’s a gentle, curious, cautious hand reaching up to stroke at the ends of Hide’s hair, as if any other pace might shatter the peace between them, and Hide knows he will never fully understand what goes on inside Kaneki Ken’s head, but he’ll get there one day. Guessing right ninety percent of the time isn’t so bad for the time being.

“‘Now what’ again, right?”

Kaneki furrows his brows and curls his lips. “Yeah…yeah.”

"You choose this time. I’ll just say one thing?"

"Mmh?"

Hide squeezes tight, losing track of whose limbs are whose and where they begin or end.

"Tell me how you feel more, yeah? Preferably not when you’re drunk, either."

"Hey I wasn’t totally dr…" Kaneki gives up mid-word, grumbling into Hide’s shirt and muffling a soft "sure" against his arm.

Hide laughs into Kaneki’s hair. “Good. Now, what do you want to do?”

 

 

— — — — —

 

 

Kaneki wakes up once to the smell of burning toast and a brush of cold air over his bare shoulders. His shirt…? Oh, yeah, they did some stuff last night, didn’t they? And that’s when it hits him: every moment lost in each other, in emotion and lust all the same, of more than a few confessions and realizations about the adults they’ve grown into. They learned a lot about each other, in more ways than one, and Kaneki can feel his body burn with an aching both physical and out of reach—well, it is within reach, technically, just a few feet away running its head off in the kitchen trying to prepare for the upcoming exam. But Kaneki isn’t ready to move anytime soon, and he thanks every higher being for having the entire day off from all responsibilities.

"Mmfmfater, Mmneki!"

Kaneki catches a glimpse of a very flustered Hide rushing out the door, a whole blackened slice of buttered toast in his mouth. He thinks it’s…cute. Yes, cute, unbearably cute, the cutest thing he’s ever seen, and he’s seen some pretty cute waitresses at Big Girl and classmates at school. He tugs the covers over his head, curling into himself, practically hugging himself to make up for the loss of shared body heat.

Yeah, definitely the cutest. Definitely.

He’s never felt so lucky.

 

—

 

Kaneki wakes up again to the low rumbling of his cell phone vibrating somewhere in the sheets. When he flips it open (after three attempts with his weak hands), bleary eyes blink into delighted waking. He’d giggle if his mouth and throat weren’t as barren as a desert.

 

【From】：　Hide　7:45  
【sub】：　wish me luck~

　＞　im gonna be late for my exam no thanks to you and your comfy pillow body! ヾ( ･`⌓´･)ﾉﾞ  
　＞　it's still a good body tho  
　＞　oh sorry if I woke you up too early  
　＞　also sorry I used some of your food...  
　＞　...also also  
　＞　I love you.

　

He smiles so hard he feels like it’ll take years to wipe away, cheeks already flushed and ready to melt right into his pillow. He idly thumbs over pixelated kana, wishing they were Hide’s face instead, his eyes rolling shut once the words show no signs of ending their echo in his mind.

—

 

Kaneki wakes up a final time to the bed shaking and a rush of warmth all around him. Soft skin, only slightly layered with sweat, makes gentle contact with his, and his eyes open enough to absorb the situation. Hide rests in just about the same enveloping position from last night, already stripped of his clothes, and looking happier than ever. Kaneki remembers the texts from before and yawns into a hug, too sleepy to ask about the exam.

They lie in silence, nothing but the back-and-forth play of their breathing to fill the gaps. Kaneki counts the times their breath matches tempo only to waver out of sync. He makes a game out of it until he can no longer deny his fluttering eyes rest, as lovely of a sight Hide is before him. With nothing but pitch black in his view he then counts the heartbeats, gets to fifty before losing track, unable to tell if he’s awake or dreaming, unable to tell if the whispers spilling secrets against his skin are real or imagined. In either possibility, he feels bliss, even more so when his heart jolts at the affectionate request in his ear.

"Can I call you Ken from now on?"


End file.
